When the heart breaks
by JustMe160192
Summary: This is set in an alternate universe where the Doctor wasn't married to river song but his adoptive daughter Echo was. This is just a snippet of a potentially longer fic but the basics are still the same in that their time lines are back to front. We join Echo as she use a vortex maninpuator to take her to number 13 Pastonostor row shortly after River leaves for the last time to go


A/N: This is set in an alternate universe where the Doctor wasn't married to river song but his adoptive daughter Echo was. This is just a snippet of a potentially longer fic but the basics are still the same in that their time lines are back to front. We join Echo as she use a vortex maninpuator to take her to number 13 Pastonostor row shortly after River leaves for the last time to go to the library. WARNING: self harm. This may trigger some people.

I gasped as I hit the floor hard, cold swiping through the hand that had landed on the floor to break my fall. I remained in my crouched position, head drooping almost to my knees trying to control my tears. I could almost hear River laughing at my inability to stay upright when travelling through the vortex, no matter what means of travel I took. Tears dripped from my eyes onto my hand. She would never laugh at me again, never help fix an injury from me being clumsy, never hold me again. River was gone. And I didn't know how to live with that.

Standing up I winched as my shirt pulled on the cuts on my arms. They had obliviously started to bleed again at some point during my trip and had gotten stuck to the material. I'd almost forgotten what it was like. To have wounds inflicted by my own hand. Id given up cutting when river had found out. The look of heart break on her face was enough to make me want to never do it again. But with her gone, falling back on old habits was easier then facing my grief but I knew it wasn't a good idea. I knew it wasn't what River would want which is why I was here.

Number 13 Pastonostor row loomed before me, its blue door reminding me strongly of the TARDIS. Behind that door I knew I would find the support I needed. While jenny was likely to mother me and Strax was able to provide medical assistance they wasn't really the person I was here for. Don't get me wrong, jenny an Strax were like family to me and would surely help in their own way. But they didn't know about the scars that littered my arms, or about how it felt to lose what felt like your world. I didn't want sympathy. I wanted someone who could understand and possibly guide me back to the light. I needed Madam Vastra.

Vastra, who lost all her sisters in one go yet managed to overcome her anger and even help the people who killed them. Vastra who had managed to build a life in a world so different from her own.

Vastra, the first person who ever realised I self harmed and didn't demand I stop but tried to help me find other ways to cope. Who knew I didn't need coddling or overwhelming sympathy, that I would talk when I was ready.

Brushing my hands against my jeans as I straighten I glance around before climbing the steps to number 13. Taking a deep breath a knock, and waiting, trying desperately to hold onto any further tears and to hide the slight tremor in my hands.

"boy?" Strax is looking at me in puzzlement but that's not really surprising I don't normally arrive but the front door.

"Vastra?" is all I can get out past the lump in my throat. Now anyone who know Strax knows he isn't one for subtly, but I'm guessing even he could seem something was not right cause with a stiff nod of his head he pointed to the conservatory, letting me past with no threats. I knew then that I really much have looks rough if Strax was threatening to melt me with acid as normal.

I took a deep breath as I stepped into the conservatory. It was warm and smelled of earth and flowers that wouldn't be found anywhere else in London. I felt the knot in my chest loosen a little as I took in the familiar surrounding that hadn't change since I had last been there.

"Echo?"

I jumped as a figure rose from a wicker chair, mentally kicking myself. Id come her to see Vastra after all but upon arriving I had let myself forget for a split second what had brought me here.

I watched as she walked toward me, not aware of having walked further into the conservator myself at some point and sinking onto a small patch of grass that had been specially planted there for me in my younger days when Vastra and Jenny had found I prefured sitting on the floor to sitting on chairs.

I watched as her tongue flicked out slightly, her eyes flashing with emotion I couldn't name.

"your bleeding." it wasn't a question

I nodded pulling off my shirt leaving me in my t-shirt baring my lower arms which were covered in old scars. But that wasn't what Vastra was smelling. She was smelling the new cuts on each arm. 5 on each. One for each year I got to spend with river (well if you count jumping in and out of each others time-line as spending time with someone).

Vastra growled lightly in the back of her throat, falling to her knees before me, holding onto my wrist, running one finger over the cuts gently, as if she could take away the hurt with her touch. When she looked into my eyes I could see no sympathy. She knew I didn't want sympathy. But her eyes were filled with compassion and in a way that hurt more.

"Why?"

I flinched. It was part of our deal. She wouldn't force me to stop cutting as long as I came to her when things got to bad and if I told her why it happened. At first I thought it was because she was still trying to understand human culture, then I had thought she was doing it to be cruel. It had taken me many years to understand that she always asked why so that I would ask myself why.

Self harmer's all have different reasons to why they do it. Some to feel anything other then their depressive thoughts. Some to punish themselves for persived wrong doings. Some even do it to prove to themselves that they are still alive. The reasons are endless. And over time I came to understand that Vastra asking why was her way of finding out if she could find another outlet, another way for me to find what I was looking for.

Tears ran down my face as I fought to answer her. Cool scaled hands cupped my cheeks, soothing my tears from under my eyes as they fell.

"Why?"

Suddenly I knew the exact answer.

"Guilt. River is dead. I knew if she went to the library she would die. And I let her go anyway. I didn't want to feel guilty any more." I started to cry harder. " maybe if I cut enough it would erase what I did and she wouldn't be dead. Maybe I would take her place..."

I realised I was rambling and Vastra pulled me against her shoulder letting me cry. She startled slightly as I spoke again clearly thinking I was done for now.

"My wife is dead. I have no-one left. What have I got to live for..?"

She stroked my hair as I started to drift, exhausted from trying to hold myself together.

"There is always something to live for. And we will help you find it. No matter what it takes."


End file.
